I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Drake has all the answers
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
