I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
