cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
