I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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