I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
