dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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