Im at strip club and am horny
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
