I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
