My nipple is on Facebook.
I need to stop coming to work sober
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
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