She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
