Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
