please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need to sanitize my soul.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
