rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
