I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
