My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
As shirtless as possible
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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