i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
