so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
