Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
