i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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