I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
