Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
