Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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