I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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