just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So much rum. So many feels.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida