So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not