I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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