I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
