what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
