Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
