Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
