I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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