Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
