Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
