you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
