Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
