I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
