That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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