He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
