i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
