I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
