Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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