It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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