this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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