Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
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Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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