your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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