i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
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He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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