I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
