i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize