I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
