Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
