Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
