i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
