I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
