If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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