I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
