My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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