I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
